THONGS

by Terry J. Ward

Sounds like a monster from one of those 1950's movies doesn't it? There could be sequels - Thong II; Night of the Living Thong; Return of the Thong - it could be great! You've got to admit that a beachful of people who have only one thought on their mind (how long before I can remove this thing from my derriere?) would make for fabulous science fiction. Imagine the alien ships land. They read our minds, and wonder what force is so great that it can torture millions of people with only a narrow strips of cloth. Rod Serling, we need you! Make sense of this fad! Show us the folly of our ways before we destroy ourselves.I have to admit, though, that a person who can wear a thong has got to have incredible self-control. Think about it - the urge to make sure that there is nothing creeping about that particular area of your anatomy is just as strong as, well, your fight or flight response. You're born with it, nobody teaches it to you. Personally, I think there's something very suspicious about someone who can wear one of those. When I was waiting tables down in Virginia, I worked with another waitress who swore she never wore anything but thong underwear. After she said that, I could never work with her without feeling this hazy sense of discomfort. Of course, she also ran ten miles a day. Definitely something wrong with the girl. Although, maybe all that running has damaged the nerve endings that control her, well, reflex.

Let us also face the fact that the thong is not an equal opportunity garment. It may be that some of us have enough tonnage behind us to make regular undergarments and bathing suits into thongs of a sort, but this is definitely to be avoided at all costs. The really scary thing about it is that if thongs had been popular when I was "just a slip of a girl," shall we say, you better believe that I would have worn one. Knowing my kids as I do, this would undoubtedly have led to deep complexes that would have cost far more than I earn to cure. It's like telling your kids that you met your spouse when he threw up on you in a mosh pit (if you don't know what that is, ask your kids). Sort of takes the golden glow off your image of the old family history, doesn't it?

Well, regardless of whatever dire warnings are out there, it's almost summer, people will wear these. Know it, understand it, deal with it. No matter what, you will be confronted by somebody's bare backside. It's not fair. I know. I feel your pain. And you will feel their pain. Case closed.