by Terry J. Ward

Presidential elections are an enormous turning point when you think about it. The Reagan years, the Carter Administration, "Camelot," Roosevelt, Clinton….all mark distinctive periods in our country's history. I'll admit to a certain idealistic fondness for the heroes and knaves that have given our country its flavor, even if I'm not particularly a scholar of all their actions. Looking back on what they've done is like looking back on a wayward, but adored, child's growth.

Emphasis on the wayward. With that in mind, I thought it would be fun to have a Presidential quiz. Now, mind you, the fun in this is to see how many answers you get wrong. Like any other red-blooded, apathetic American, stand up for your right to be under-involved in the democratic process. This country wasn't built on masses of political over-achievers, you know. Scattered ones here and there, of course, but to work well, the democratic process can't be burdened with too many people who care about what's going on. Goodness, if we had all that blustering going on, we'd never have all those new state quarters minted, now would we?With that in mind, just take a quick run through the quiz to make sure you're not jamming up the works for everybody else.

1.) Who are the Presidential candidates?

2.) What is a `primary'? And are we finished with it?

3.) What are the major issues of this campaign?

4.) Do these candidates have husbands/wives? And if so, are they allowed to talk this time around?

5.) Who is Elian Gonzalez and what is his effect on the election? Is he Castro's belated answer to the sugar embargo?

6.) Just what scandal will those crazy Democrats try to cover up this time around?

7.) Do you think the Republicans will ever admit that they're just jealous that the Democrats have more fun?

8.) Healthcare - mythical animal or tired political ploy?

9.) Can we really stomach a first lady named `Tipper'?

10.) Is the military-industrial complex dead, and if so, what has taken its place?

Now for scoring. (0 points - you didn't know any of the answers) God Bless you!!! You are a dyed-in-the-wool, apple-pie-eatin', flag-wavin' American; (2-4pts.) There's still hope for you. You probably went to school during the time when people actually had to know something about our political system. I'll bet you understand the electoral college; (5-8pts.) You're in trouble, pal. You really don't have many friends and you read and/or write manifestos. Am I right? Don't e-mail the newspaper. Forget I said anything; (9-10pts - you got them all right!!!?) What's wrong with you - do you want to undermine everything America stands for? Go, now, watch The Man Show or something equally mind-destroying and get your equilibrium back. Remember, Uncle Sam is counting on you.