My mother, as I'm sure nearly every mother on the face of the earth has said at one time or another, told me, "Never discuss politics or religion." This is a polite, rational, and common sense approach to the genteel world of social survival. However, as you've probably guessed by now, I've always been kind of a bratty kid, so, sorry, mom, I'm about to plunge head-first.

I'm writing my column this month before President Clinton takes the stand in what could arguably be classified as the most ridiculous circus of horrors that Washington has yet to come up with. Now, I'm really going to court dislike by saying that, personally, I like Bill Clinton. As far as I'm concerned, he has three indelibly endearing accomplishments which his unreliable zipper cannot undermine. Number one, he stood up to Newt Gingrich. Nothing makes me happier than to see a bully taken down a peg. Newt Gingrich is possibly one of the slimiest politicos to ever crawl up out of the ever-surprising gene pool which produces our legislators. I'm sorry, but Bill's exploits pale in comparison with the visual of ol' Newtie dumping his cancer-ridden wife on her death bed.

Number two, Mr. Clinton's Administration has kept our country at

peace in a world that is increasingly determined to explode at the merest provocation. This is a big deal to me. I have four sons who would see combat if war were thrust on our doorstep. I haven't yet seen Steven Speilberg's attempt at recreating WWII, but I assure you, the mere thought of losing one of my sons, their laughter, their smart-aleck remarks, the curious innocence of their hands as they sleep at night, is more than enough to make me appreciate the fact that we live in relative safety. The third trait that endears Mr. Clinton to me is his ability to stay calm and focused in the midst of constant personal attack. You've got to have some guts to face the entire WORLD with dignity every day when headlines are blaring stories about your anatomical abnormality, and your name is constantly linked with some of the ugliest women the press has ever taken a liking to. Who can blame him for denying contact with them? Would you want to admit that you were dumb enough to fall prey to someone who doesn't have the hygienic wherewithal to have her besmirched dress cleaned for YEARS? (But, perhaps there's another reason for her lack of cleanliness. Can anyone say "SET-UP"?)

But the issue here really isn't so much about Clinton. It's about morality and who gets to decide what morality is. And further, who gets to judge it. I think that we need to get one indelible fact clearly ingrained in our heads. Politics is not Religion. Let me say that again. POLITICS IS NOT RELIGION. The job of a politician, at least in a democracy, is not to determine morality, but to assure that the populace will have the freedom to pursue their own brand

of morality. America is not a theocracy. And a President is not a Pastor.

I would be the last one to say that I really understand politics. Does anyone? But I do know enough about our hallowed founding fathers to know that one of their basic reasons for breaking with England and setting up a new country was because they wanted to start the Bank of America. Yep, that's right. They wanted a better financial deal. Morality, or the lack thereof, was not the big picture for them, or for the long, long, LONG, list of other Presidents with personal faults and failings. What's the difference now? Why is Clinton vilified, where others were merely discussed behind closed doors? Some would blame the press. And, yes, I think they deserve their fair share of blame for prostituting themselves. But I think the essential problem is that some politicians have regressed into an adolescent mindset in which all maturity, all sense of dignified reflection, all perception has been driven away from them. The Republicans had it good for a number of years, and to put it bluntly, their noses are out of joint that there is a Democrat sitting in the White House. GROW UP!!! Quit using the excuse of morality for progressing with what is merely a snit.

Well, who knows where the chips will fall in this Masterpiece Theatre production? I do know one thing, however, whatever happens, Bill will have a fabulous career as an ex-President when the time comes. Remember Nixon, and Watergate? They loved him in China afterwards. Remember the "Great Communicator," ol' Ronnie Reagan? Nicaragua, Contras, bypassing Congress ring a bell? We're still cheering him on. Carter had his brother - remember "Billy Beer"? He builds houses and people adore him. So, don't worry, Bill. No matter what, things will work out. Hey, maybe they'll make you Ambassador to

the South of France where the girls are at least pretty.